Tuesday, October 27, 2015

This is Goodbye

Fifteen years ago, a growing awareness of my sexuality led to my embrace of kink and polyamory. Ten years ago, I began to reconnect with Unitarian Universalism as a home where my sexuality and my values intersected, and where I was convinced that others would be able to do so as well. Indeed, many other kinksters and polyfolk are found in UU congregations and organizations, and shared with me the hope that the radical hospitality they had provided to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender folks would be extended to us. Now, after much effort, and some serious reflection on recent events, I've come to another conclusion:

I was wrong.

I've often talked about the difference between "UUism" and "UU-dom" with others, much like when some radical Christians distinguish their values and ideals from the practices of institutional Christendom. I had thought that the discordance between the values of UUism and the practices of UU-dom would somehow decrease. Instead, I've seen them grow much worse.

UUism is presented as being centered on love and reason, but UU-dom is more fixated on money and image. UUism is presented as being a community seeking common ground and radical transformation, but UU-dom is run like a business conglomerate which plays off various factions like checkers on a game board. UUism is presented as extending radical hospitality for all, but UU-dom cherry-picks who is really welcome while squirming with discomfort in reaction to the rest.

I still believe in the values espoused under UUism. I am no longer able to put up with the practices of UU-dom.

At the beginning of this journey, I would have enthusiastically told anyone identifying with kink and/or polyamory to check out their local UU congregation. Over time, I've heard from too many such people who have either fled or been driven out, sometimes because they were met with hostility, sometimes over other problems. I've heard from too many leaders within the UUA who will praise my work and encourage me to keep going, but only in private and off-the-record, and with no meaningful support beyond that. As for the pushback experienced in recent months, I won't burden you with the details. Suffice it to say that, with all the dysfunction and dissembling I have witnessed, my only honest answer to what I thought of UUism would be: "Great in theory, but far too few real-life examples."

Perhaps, one day, UU-dom will come closer to UUism's values. But I don't see that happening in my lifetime. So it is time for me to take a different path, and to say ... Goodbye.

10 comments:

  1. Please keep a public presence somehow- your writing speaks to many.

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    1. The blog is still up, and I've connected with the emerging community Greater Boston Oasis.

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  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Robin: Now that I no longer identify as UU, you'll finally leave me alone!

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  3. Sorry to hear it. As a lifelong UU and genderqueer person, it is my experience that these changes take place very slowly. The shift from getting kicked out of bathrooms to having appropriate bathroom options in many congregations and at GA has taken over 15 years of conversation and there's still discomfort expressed by many. I understand being done waiting; I also believe that there is ultimate hope for us. Be well wherever you find yourself.

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    1. This is about something more significant than "waiting". This is about being informed by someone in UUA headquarters that the staff and leaders of the Association had no intention of recognizing poly or kink people even when and if General Assembly passed any kind of resolution calling for such. This is about a leadership and administration which is more concerned with placating big donors than adhering to their own rules and principles. That is something I'm not able to abide.

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  4. I'm a transwoman and have a similar story. I feel like I am tolerated, not accepted. At first it seemed to be all light and rainbows, but slowly, it became more about being the trans member, not a member who is trans.

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear this. As an openly poly person in my congregation who's entering seminary next fall with the goal of ordination and parish ministry, I'll say that I've received nothing but support and encouragement from my local church leadership. I'm sorry you haven't received that same support. I will continue to be open about my two partners; hopefully the more of us that are open and in leadership positions, the more this issue will change for the better. I wish you all the best.

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    1. First, let me applaud you for being out, and my hopes that you don't face the same negative consequences as other UU ministers and seminarians.

      This isn't about myself or my congregation. This is about how the current leadership of the UUA is willing to allow discrimination to occur while resting on the laurels of the past.

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