Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The "K" and "P" Words

Warning: This post could make other UUs uncomfortable. Strong medicine has a tendency to do that …

This post is about invisible people. I don't mean some science-fiction scenario where human beings become transparent. I don't mean people who deliberately hide. I'm talking about how a community of people renders some particular group or category within it as unseen and unseeable, thus continuing to marginalize them – or, in this case, us

Before writing this post, I had to do some digging, combing through email archives, articles and web pages. To be exact, the larger community I'm talking about doesn’t render us completely invisible. We pop up here and there in a couple little corners. But that's about it. And in the places where it really matters, we remain virtually nonexistent.

The community I'm speaking of is Unitarian Universalism. And the groups that they continue to marginalize are called kinksters or kinky, and polyamorous or poly. There are kinky and poly UUs across the continent, even a group for UU kinksters and an older group for poly UUs.

But if you looked at the "official" web media and literature of the Unitarian Universalist Association, you'd hardly know. The UUPA is listed as a Related Organization, but Leather & Grace can't even get its foot in the door because there doesn't seem to be a consistent understanding of what it takes to become a Related Organization. We've asked the UUA multicultural office how the UU polys got that status without even applying for it, and we've never gotten any clear answer. And when we've explained in detail the difficulties around one of the requirements spelled out to us, and asked that this be clarified once and for all … nothing in response.

Perhaps you can tell that I'm rather miffed by all this. But it's nothing compared to the core issue around this post. I find it hard to recall a single instance of anyone in UUA leadership, and even more painfully the UUA’s multicultural staff, say or write the "K" or "P" words. I've heard lots of euphemisms and dancing around these terms, but somehow none of these people who keep telling me I can trust them can even bring themselves to call us what we call ourselves.

I never thought I'd be comparing the leaders of my faith with fundamentalist Christians in regard to sexuality, but they're doing a very similar dance to different tunes. The fundies still can't say gay or lesbian without putting them in scare quotes; the most evolved they've become is referring to "same-sex attraction." Similarly, UUA leaders will talk in terms of us as "alternative," and in one email we were referred to as "new understandings" of sexual orientation that "may emerge in the future."

I won't go into graphic detail about the reactions that produced. Suffice it to say, we are people, not "understandings," and we live and work and pray and hurt right here and now. And, to be perfectly blunt, we deserve better than to be reduced to a bloodless hypothetical.

The rest of the world is now talking about polyamory and kink. Planned Parenthood has even helped produce an educational video on BDSM. But the UUA can't even call us what we call ourselves. We've been talking and talking, waiting and hoping. But if the best we can get is being told behind closed doors that, sorry, our once forward-looking faith can't catch up with Harvard University and The New York Times, but that we should still trust our faith leaders to be with us when they think we "may emerge in the future" … well, that’s just not good enough.

Moral progress doesn't happen by waiting for others to do what's right. It happens by doing what's right. Calling a group of people what they call themselves, and not some seemingly comfortable euphemism, is the least moral thing our faith leaders can do. And it's high time they did.

14 comments:

  1. Unfortunately, sexuality is still one of those barriers that we human beings still struggle with. Identity, practice, expression... it's hard given our social mores and norms. However, the more attention given to the subject and the people involved, the more we are forced to talk about it. Keep on speaking up; keep on pushing. It will be worth it in the end. :)

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  2. Help me understand what I ought to know about kink. I didn't know the whole world was talking about it. To me, no offense, it's pretty boring. People do all sorts of things in bed, and I couldn't care less what they are as long as they're based on mutual consent, respect, and pleasure.

    I'm all for an affinity group for UUs who want to talk about this stuff and connect with like-minded people. If someone has an emotional need relating to kink, they can come talk to me as with any other emotional matters. (I've had people seek counseling with me about poly issues, never kink.) Is there something else I, as a UU minister, should be doing?

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    1. Kink is not just "what people do in bed", any more than gender-based attraction. It is part of an identity. When talking with a kinky person, remember you're talking with a person, not just a set of behaviors.

      Part of the reason that awareness about BDSM, kink and fetish sexuality has grown is that many non-kinky people in the helping professions are willing to speak up about it. UU ministers and lay leaders can be part of that, from the congregational level to UUA headquarters. This is also why Leather & Grace has developed a workshop curriculum for UU congregations, Love Takes Many Forms; I encourage you and your congregation's adult religious education staff to look it over and talk about it.

      Despite the growth in awareness, we can still be fired from our jobs, evicted from our homes, denied medical and mental health care, treated as second-class by police and judges, and even subjected to harassment and violence. So long as non-kinky people say nothing about it, that will not change.

      And because some stigma is still attached to consensual kink, many kink-oriented people struggle to come out internally. Finding someone who says: "There's nothing wrong with exploring this, safely and consensually," and who can point them in the right direction, can save souls and lives. And UU ministers are in a position to do that.

      Please check out the Leather & Grace website for more information. Email us at leatherandgrace@yahoo.com if you have further questions.

      Thank you!

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    2. Just to add onto what Desmond is saying, one of the largest social justice issues for kinky people is the prosecution of rape cases. Think how difficult it is for rape victims in police or social settings to step out of the victim blaming aspects of our society and then imagine that the victim was engaging in consensual kink all the way up until someone violated their boundaries. Imagine explaining to the police that the bruises and welts were consensual, but that the sex wasn't. Kink is an activity that is not accepted by large portions of our society and is no more private than the gender of the person you have sex with. You can't tell someone's sexual orientation by looking at them either, but if I were to wear a collar to church and refer to my partner as "sir" then that would be seen as highly inappropriate whereas if I were to sit in a pew wearing my girlfriend's ring and calling her "sweetheart" then I would be smiled at and applauded.

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  3. I was laid off from UUA, still wonder if rumors about my sex preferences was behind it partly. There is a kind of puritanism there. Part I think is so many senior admins from the Midwest and South where you don't talk about that stuff AT ALL, part an overreaction maybe to talk of ministers sexual abuse, and part a kind of corporate mindset at the very top that's obsessed with image. Long story short, no surprise. I heard Leather and Grace was trying to do something about making it easier for people inside UUA who have to stay in the closet about poly and kink. Its going to be uphill, but good luck and thanks for sticking your neck out on this!

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  4. We were practically forced from one UU church, wound up leaving due to relocation. We asked the UUA for help, but they refused because neither of us was a minister or congregation board president. When we joined another church after moving, our minister asked for UUA help and also got nowhere, it's almost like people there are scared to talk about this. Thank God(dess) for people like Desmond and Leather & Grace! they are doing work that our association should be doing.

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  5. another uua employee here. seems like since peter morales was first elected, theres a shut-up-or-get-out message to kinks and polys. obsession with image and fundraising, definitely a tone of just ignore these weirdos and they'll go away

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  6. I'm lucky to have had the opposite experience in my own Midwestern UU congregation. I'm openly poly there; ministers, staff and friends all know and are accepting, and I'm not the only openly poly person in my church. Our ministers have been supportive of polyamory, by name, in multiple sermons, and it's discussed in our OWL programs. Honestly, I'm more comfortable being poly at church than in many other areas of my life.

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    1. Great to hear this! We need more ministers and leaders like that.

      The real irony is that I keep hearing UUA staffers say they "can't" take initiative on this, it has to come from the congregational level ... but then they seem to be ignoring congregations like yours and mine.

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  7. I used to work at 25 Beacon some years past. When I mentioned the need to educate more on BDSM and kink, it changed everything. My supervisor became very distant, and my reviews were affected too. I left for other reasons, but something tells me my days there were numbered. Since then I've been visiting UU churches all over. Their response on this varies widely, so it doesn't surprise me to read about hostile and ignorant reactions. Why is this? I would say because the older generarion of UU leaders are not prepared and not willing to learn. Unfortunately that attitude is leading to lots of people being hurt.

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    1. Seems the UUA has their kinky and polyfolk in a vicious circle ... Rob Molla wants them to come out, but he won't assure them the same nondiscrimination protections that LGBTQ and other people have.

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    2. I work for the UUA, and I can't say that I've witnessed any of the silencing being alleged here, but I also don't identify with any of the groups being mentioned here. Sounds like it varies from one staff group to another, or different supervisory people?

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    3. K8, the point is that it shouldn't differ. The UUA should have consistent policies and practices, especially given our faith's core values and stated principles. That is what Leather & Grace has been asking for.

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    4. K8 I also work @ uua my supervisor has been saying 'don't talk about kink' even when its to educate people. Desmond is right this needs to be consistent but rob molla puts us in this bind, we have to come out to him but coming out is what leads to all the problems!

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